I start to feel that I have to submit to what you want just to do what I like in the future

I am not feeling the mood to do what you all want, but I have no choice. Since you think what I have done was just mere pretence, I shall pretend all my way through. Till I get what I want, I know I have to endure. God, please help me get through this.

So, mood of the day says, ” pretending to be good.”

You need to know

You need to know that there is a limit to everything.

You need to know that you have clearly crossed the line and demanded too much.

You need to know that people don’t just put in trust to you just like the air that you are breathing.

You need to know that you are too much and have taken my effort for granted.

You need to know that your son is not as bad as you think and stop comparing with other people’s children who CLEARLY smoke, gamble, LIE (BIG GODDAMN LIE! GOD!), cheat and are incompetent beyond imagination.

PLEASE,

CAN YOU  just stop praising them when you know that they are useless?I bet you can’t and you don’t know.

CAN YOU just stop demanding so much from me?

CAN YOU let me decide what I want and not blaming me for not taking the GODDAMN SCHOLARSHIP FROM THAT BLOODY UNIVERSITY?

CAN YOU at least understand that I DON’T WANT TO ENTER THAT BLOODY UNIVERSITY?

CAN YOU  not glamourise WHAT A SCHOLARSHIP CAN OFFER?

CAN YOU JUST LOOK AT HOW DESPERATE I AM TO CHANGE?

CAN YOU JUST APPRECIATE MY EFFORT AND NOT UTTER THOSE STUPID AND GODDAMN SWEEPING STATEMENT?

CAN YOU STOP MAKING COMMENTS SAYING THAT I AM BEYOND HOPE?

CAN YOU JUST STOP ACTING AS IF YOU ARE RIGHT???

CAN YOU JUST STOP HOPING THAT I CAN BE THAT MOST PERFECT SON IN THE WORLD?

So, mood of the day says, “Please, don’t make me change my mind.”

Going off to Jakarta

So many things have happened over the past few weeks, I don’t really wish to elaborate on those things other than the fact that my parents were pretty indecisive and easily swayed by others’ opinion regarding my education. I mean, it’s my futurer at stake and the only thing that I am very obstinate about all the time: I don’t want anybody to control my future.

I am flying off to Jakarta this afternoon to have ISAT but am coming back home tomorrow afternoon. I guess I am gonna update quite soon.

So, mood of the day says, “I am rambling purposefully.”

Bye Singapore

This post came a little later than it should. Today is the sixth day (almost one week?) that I am back at home, having just waved good-bye to Singapore. I did not feel particularly happy about it because I thought I could have stayed longer there, maybe for couple or more years? Well, I just have to submit to fate. Whatever comes will definitely come, all I need to do is just to prepare myself for it.

God, everyone in the family except me forgot Mom’s birthday! I almost scolded Dad on the phone after he quickly managed to make reservation for a table in a restaurant. I scolded all my sisters as well. My eldest sis asked my Dad on the phone, it turned out to be hilarious:

Please note that the conversation was in Teochew dialect and has been carefully translated.

Sis: Dad, do you know what day is today?

Dad: Today is pretty good day, aye, according to the calendar, it’s a great day to move. (My dad is really superstitious and believes in the Chinese calender, so everything that needs to be done will have to seek his calendar’s approval. Apparently, his mind is preoccupied by my young sis’ moving out ritual).

Sis: DAD! It’s Mom’s birthday!

Dad: OH! OK OK! I’ll make reservation now.

LOL.

Anyway, I just made payment to ACER to register for ISAT, which will be held on the 20th of May in Jakarta. I chose not to take the one in Singapore (23rd on the same month) because I need to catch the deadline of Monash University’s application deadline.

And now that somebody has shed some light regarding UK’s universities, I think I am going to try out UK as well but I will need to read up more on that.

Mom’s nagging me to bathe and take my medicine already. I have a bad feeling that I will strike the Dengue lottery again. LOL

So, mood of the day says, “Lottery!”

Moving Out

Just a clarification for the previous post, the one where I said I “felt like crying”? Does that ring any bell? Anyway, that feeling has not come for quite some time already, I guess about four years already. It was just the same kind of fear that I had about four years ago, because of a common reason: Moving out from HELL.

I shall not elaborate on what actually happened four years ago, maybe I will do so in the next post when I have nothing better to do? I don’t know.

For now, I just feel like running away from all these stupid things. Like really, it is really stupid to move in and out from one place to another. I guess the lives of most foreign students are like that, or to be fair, not just students but all “refugees” residing in a foreign land.

Back in my home country, I only moved once in my life. ONCE. During that one time, I don’t remember needing to care so much about packing, moving and unpacking stuff. Mom did almost everything, from packing, scolding, unpacking and more scolding (roll your small eyes if you wish). Dad would arrange the truck and the movers to ensure that my siblings and me would have no worries. How I wish that they are here for me again, helping me out with the moving ‘rituals’, even scolding does help a little bit. Sigh…

In contrast, I have moved around in Singapore for 7 times. That was not something to be proud of, I have come to a point in my life where I have no choice but to admit that such a ‘chore’ is parts and parcels of life. I have not heard from my friends or acquintances from Singapore who have actually moved as many times as I have done in less than five years. Look! The idea of moving so many times was just atrocious!

So, the reason for moving this time round was because of what happened a few days ago. My sister and I felt strongly that the place is no longer safe. Even though we do not have concrete proofs that it was the “suspect” who did it, but we feel that our judgement and our analysis would substantiate any nonsensical jargons that my landlady utters all the time: the CHAIR argument. I cannot believe how one can be stupefied by the sole presence of a freaking chair outside the window. For all you know, it could be added to perk up the dramatic effect. People just know how to act, or maybe you don’t need to really have Oscar’s acting standard to gain recognition in Singapore? People, just look at the local acting scene and you will eventually get my point.

Furthermore, my sister was intelligent enough to pinpoint that, despite the possiblity of the intruder coming from outside through that ridiculously small window, “What is the dust doing there? Why is the window still so dirty?” This proves to be a very valid area for consideration, even the police overlooks this (I am not very happy with their work though, I shall not say more because I do not want to get into trouble). So, people, if you want to keep your house safe and not wanting to accuse anybody wrongly, DO NOT CLEAN YOUR HOUSE WINDOW AT ALL! You may even save money on the absurdly-priced anti-burglar devices!

The incident took place on Friday morning, I found a room for my sister in the evening of the same night. We went for viewing on Saturday, and was surprised to know that it was the place that a friend used to live. So we decided to take the place. We packed up the whole night and shift most of the stuff there. We managed a calm conversation with the landlady to let us move despite not notifying her a month in advance, although we did find it strange that she let us off so easily, considering how our ex-housmate, kim’s money were blatantly swallowed by her.

Then what happened to me? I am going home! At first I considered staying with my auntie who lives in the west side of Singapore for a couple of weeks. However, I do not feel nice to trouble her so much, so I was thinking maybe just a few days would be okay. Unfortunately, since I am such an indecisive person in this kind of matter, I decided today that I will just go home on Friday, the official day to leave the place that I am currently residing – in short HELL.

Therefore, I have managed to end most of my tuition stuff and I am going to be a little irresponsible this time round. I actually feel bad for neglecting my students half-way through and I want to see them progress, but that is a luxury to me now. I do not forsee things to have such a dramatic turn, so I hope my students and their parents can understand my circumstances.

Anyway, I need to sleep now (It’s already 1.49 AM) because I need to head down to some place tomorrow – or rather later – to consult on my applications to overseas universities.

So, mood of the day says, “I’m MOVING OUT!”